On The Verge...

..of one thing and another, both of which you cannot define. This certain position is definitely not my favorite place to be. But here I am now, on that very spot called "on the verge". I have never realized it though, until recently. All this time, I felt something is missing inside, I felt a bit of emptiness and uncertainty, which I cannot describe how and why. And just like the usual me, I kept it aside, trying not to think about it.

..................

Well, it keeps bothering me..It's not that I'm not happy with life. I'm having my ups and dows. And mostly I managed to keep myself on the positive side. It's just that..this feeling inside, a little itch, a slight twinge..

And then I come to think about it. Ever since I came to Singapore to work, there's this uncertainty. It's like I'm facing this long road, which for now I cannot see where it leads to.

First, I am working in one big government-linked institute that still needs me to finish a long period project, so I know that I have secured a "safe-position" here. While on the other side, I know that I don't want to do this job for long, a.k.a my passion is not in this field, and heck I don't want to bore myself deep down into this.

Second, I might be staying here in Singapore now, but my heart does live in Indonesia. I might complain a lot about Indonesia, but hey, it's my hometown, where home and family is. Although I'm renting a place that can be said, thanks God, nice and comfortable, but yet I don't feel at home at all. So yeah, I'm now living a life without a real home. I'm home-less, u can say. And it's something that I don't think I can live with.

Third, I met my boyfriend, an event which I know is not just a fun and sweet coincidence. Call it fate, I don't believe in such thing as coincidence. I love him, but settling with him means I need to "live" here, making this place, want it or not, a home. The thought that I actually have to leave my home and family behind really bothers me. All this time, I'm still thinking that one day I'll be going back to my new house, and sleeping in my new bedroom, with mommy and daddy beside me. Immature? hell yeah, that's me, and this "on the verge" state kinda creepy.

Forth, no offense to any Singaporean, Singapore is a great place for a holiday destination, but I am such a boring country girl, thus, I cannot fit myself in Singapore lifestyle. But then going back to Indonesia means starting all over again. Job hunting, bla bla bla..see, I'm really on the verge.

Fifth, I know this got nothing to do with the above on-the-verges. But I'm really on the verge of tears and upset-ness right now. One bad thing of me is that since I'm in Singapore my mood swing is just crazy. It just sucks. I become emotional really easily. Even small things can make me upset. I know it's horrible. And I do hate this kind of me.

So here I am on the verge of things that I cannot see which is right and which is wrong. Or is it not about right or wrong? When people say follow your heart, what if even my heart doesn't have one damn clue?

Should I just continue keeping this feeling away, and just go on with what I have right now?

All I can do now is just pray, God, lead my way, cause I really have no idea where am I heading to, only You know..